By William R. Clough, D.Min.
Training Director
We live in an anxious time. Of course, for all history there have been very real things to worry about: hurricanes, disease, crime, poverty, war, and, ultimately, death. But today we have unprecedented access to media, commercial and social. That means that, in addition to real fears, we live in a culture where anger and fear are tools. Evoking anger and fear is effective to gain power, stroke egos, or make money. That’s a huge background stress. No wonder the most common problem people seek psychotherapy for is anxiety (https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/facts-statistics).
Before and after the mid-term elections the stress will be ramped up.
It’s common to refer to the United States today as “polarized.” But polarization isn’t just a condition, it’s a strategy. For infotainers, it generates ratings. For politicians, it persuades voters. Unfortunately, this has a way of seeping into personal relationships, disrupting friendships and families. Here are some tips for insulating yourself from the poison of polarization.
Ask: How important is it? There are few disagreements that are worth damaging relationships. Sometimes agreeing to disagree is the wisest course of action. Sometimes it’s simply a matter of remembering which decisions God has and has not given you to make. God simply has not given me a say in whether Sweden and Finland should join NATO and fighting with a friend or family member about it is nothing more than an exercise in ego.
Listen to understand. If there’s anything most psychotherapists have discovered it’s this: The more you know about someone’s personal experience the easier it is to empathize with them. Topics usually touch nerves because of personal experiences; they bring up memories of mistreatment, often from childhood or adolescence. Empathizing with someone does not necessarily mean agreeing with them, but it does put their attitudes in context and may make them more understandable.
Reflect – gently – on yourself. It’s easy to get caught up in an emotionally charged discussion. Give yourself a little bit of space, a moment to calm down. Your strong reactions tell you more about yourself and what you need to work on than the other person and what they need to work on. James Finley writes, “We are afraid of fear because we believe it has the power to name who we are, and it fills us with shame.” (https://cac.org/daily-meditations/freedom-from-fear-2018-10-25/). Fear can damage us morally, making us selfish at best, cruel at worst.
In his book The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom, psychologist Jonathan Haidt argues that we have two sides: an emotional side, which he pictures as an elephant, and a rational side, its rider. As long as the elephant is calm, the rider has some control. But if you anger or frighten the elephant, the rider is just along for the ride.